Overall, this is an excellent start to a compelling essay. Keep in mind that although the committee allows you to write up to five pages, three double-spaced pages is usually adequate. Feel free to add more detail, but make sure your text is concise and transparent. You might consider "writing" ideas and then "rewriting" them. Too often, authors put ideas onto the page, but do not render those ideas compellingly. Giving your sentences a bit of extra effort, and giving your experiences a bit of extra reflection, will result in a persuasive essay that compliments your accomplishments and character.
Sometimes, you need to be able to write a good essay in a short amount of time for a timed exam, such as the Advanced Placement exams in high school. At other times, you might find yourself in the uncomfortable situation of having to write an essay fast because you procrastinated or let it sneak up on you. Although an essay written at the last minute will almost never be as good as an essay you spent more time on, putting together a decent essay quickly is still feasible. With a little planning and a lot of hard work, you can write an essay that’s good (or good enough!) in just a short time.